Tag Archives: science

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If You Could Leave Yelp Reviews about Your Dates

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Howard
35, Programmer

A Real Catch (if you’re a dessert sharer)!

★★★★☆

Funny, Fresh and Fine! Easily one of the most eligible bachelors in the Pacific Northwest.

Despite terrible traffic, Howard showed up on time for our mid-week date, effortlessly chic in a casual polo tee, dark jeans and leather boots. His dinner spot location was well thought out. It was bustling enough to drown out any potentially awkward silences but quiet enough to hear each other take turns to humblebrag. Howard is certainly not a morning person so I’d highly recommend that you schedule any and all dates with him no earlier than noon. If you’re a Happy Hour hound, forget about your Monday night drinks sesh because this guy doesn’t consume a drop of alcohol. The upside to this is that he will drive you home as you drunkenly sob about how much you hate your co-workers. He has a sweet tooth so be warned that he will eat his slice of cake and reach out for yours while distracting you with his devilishly enchanting eyes. All in all, a fun evening and I would’ve definitely gone out with Howard on a second date but there are lines which should not be crossed and I draw mine at sharing dessert. That said, ladies who steer clear of sugar and/or those on the Keto diet, he won’t be on the market for long so go get it!

Highlights

√ Funny
√ Successful
√ Handsome
√ Respectful

Lowlights

× Conservative
× Will steal your sweets
× Not a morning person = not a brunch person
× Doesn’t drink (could be a highlight if you need a designated driver)

More Info

Fashion acumen – Smart Casual Chic
Real or fake profile – Definitely real
Good for showing off to friends – Yes
Good for Kids – Possibly
Age accuracy – Spot on
Photo accuracy – Spot on
Does real life personality match online personality – Yes
Chances of sending you unsolicited dick pics – Slim to none
Alcohol – No
Happy Hour – No
Smoking – No

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Richard
32, Comic Artist

Bug-a-boo

★☆☆☆☆

It’s not you, it’s the germs!

I want to commend Richard for staying committed to showing up to a first date even though he was under the weather — I really do — but there is nothing attractive about sitting across the table from a man with a handkerchief in hand, blowing his nose like a trumpet.  Handkerchiefs are said to be old-fashioned, gentlemanly and sexy right? Wrong! “Would you like a piece of tissue?” I asked as I stared at his ‘kerchief and thought about all the snot it had been collecting like a germ bank throughout the evening.  I ended the evening within an hour or so, partly because sick people are no fun and partly because I thought it’d be best he rested. Here’s a protip, Richard: Next time, reschedule if you’re under the weather. We want to see the best of you on a first date — pocketful of personality — not a pocketful of germs!

Highlights

√ Hardworking, probably
√ Keeps promises
√ Old-fashioned

Lowlights

× Germ breeder and spreader
× Snot-on-handkerchief

More Info

Fashion acumen – Hobo chic
Real or fake profile – Real
Good for showing off to friends – If you’d like the to die from the flu bug, yes
Good for Kids – Debatable
Age accuracy – Spot on
Photo accuracy – Dated! Profile picture is at least 5 years old
Does real life personality match online personality – Hard to say
Chances of sending you unsolicited dick pics – Slim to none
Alcohol – No
Happy Hour – No
Smoking – No

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The pursuit of undeserved happiness

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Remember that scene in City of Angels where Meg Ryan’s character happily in love, rides her bike with her eyes closed and her arms wide open only to be fatally hit by a truck? Now, while I know the crucial lesson here is that operating any kind of machinery with your eyes shut and arms over your head generally results in death or some semblance of it, there seems to be a larger message at hand. Happiness is a precarious little thing and this scene in a nutshell summarises how I’ve often felt about most good things that happen to me, including falling in love. It is both exhilarating and terrifying, a blessing and a curse. It’s a constant reminder that everything in life that has been bestowed upon me is not something I truly deserve and could be snatched from my hands in a heartbeat at any time, but especially when I’m on a high.

“Careful, you’ll jinx it.”

This is something my sister and I often say to each other when we overtly express unadulterated joy or excitement over something, over anything really, from a job interview that went exceptionally well to a new blossoming friendship or even that new chicken stew recipe you think you’ve perfected. Don’t get ahead of yourself, Martha because there is a good chance you’re gonna fuck it all up.

Over the years, I’ve reminded myself many times to be grateful and to be happy but not too happy. Why? Self-preservation, perhaps? Inherently a negative Nancy? Or just superstitious? Maybe this is a product of my upbringing. Perhaps somewhere in there, lies a question of self-worth but that I’m certain is not a box I am inclined to open and take a peek into. I am trying to understand how and why we became so illogically cautious over voicing our happiness. Why do I assume, beyond reason and logic that articulating how blessed I am feeling (irl without the hashtag, of course), may lead to impending and excruciating loss? It sounds completely and utterly foolish, doesn’t it? And yet, this is my truth and I fail by my own damn complications.

As I hush the most recent obliterative whispers questioning my amour-propre and prerogative, I am trying to take chances, be recklessly expressive, be unafraid and live it and live in it. When life throws me a delicious bone, I am learning to gratefully (and boldly) accept it, place it on the silver platter that it rightfully deserves and chew on it, marvel at it and claim it. Why, you ask? Because I am flawed but I am also grateful, and loving something will always trump my own debilitating fear of losing something I love, regardless of whether I’m enough.

x.

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Pros and Cons of a Long Distance Relationship

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With the advent of technology, Long Distance Relationships (LDR) are so much more common than people think. Even so, I’ve found myself many a time inadvertently defending LDRs and their legitimacy.

“No, don’t awwwww me. It’s really not a horrible situation to be in!”

“The relationship is still real!” 

“What do you mean how do we have sex? We can still be intimate!” (*while wondering* “WTF? Why am I even having to explain my sex life?!”)

“They can work and couples have time and time again proven that!”

“No, it doesn’t make it any harder to be faithful!”

rude

While LDRs are not an ideal situation to be in, it’s no more or less stressful than maintaining a conventional relationship. It does come with its own set of problems and in the same breath, opportunities to get creative and conquer those very challenges. From someone who has done this before and is currently in one now, I truly believe LDRs are workable. It’s most certainly not for everyone (yes, I’m looking at you, you codependent types!) and I wouldn’t recommend going out of your way to look for a partner who lives halfway across the world because that would make you a crazy person. But other than that, definitely doable or if I am being cautiously optimistic*, definitely doable thus far. You learn as you go along and hope for the best.

 

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Pros:

  • Getting to reinstate the art of writing letters and talking on the phone, particularly the latter because I derive great joy from the hand cramp and ear soreness that comes right after the end of a 90-minute phone conversation with my boyfriend… a feeling that is very different from when you’re on the phone on hold for the same length of time with your telco service provider when they’ve fucked up your bill.
  • If you’re both insanely independent people, it is fairly easy to live in separate parts of the world and do adult things like having cocktails with your friends or dining alone without feeling like you’re going to crumble to pieces in the absence of your partner… on most days anyway.
  • An LDR is the biggest lesson I could receive in effective communication – When you can’t physically be next to someone, you consciously fill the space between with words and feelings to bring you closer together. While it’s really nice to lounge around cuddled up watching your favourite shows on Netflix in silence, there is something truly comforting and intimate about having meaningful conversations with each other about the things that matter and perhaps even the things that don’t really matter.
  • The Countdown High – planning, anticipating and marking out the days until you see each other again next can almost always make even the darkest of days a little brighter.
  • According to science, absence makes the heart grow fonder and distance can cultivate fondness and a genuine lasting connection. Can’t argue with science, folks!
  • The connection is more than just physical – I am naturally a physical/ touchy-feely person but working on the emotional aspects of a relationship makes me feel so much more secure. Sure, love me for my body but love me more for me!

Cons:

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  • Pillows don’t cuddle back, neither do vibrators.
  • Bawling when you have to part ways, especially when the bawling happens in public spaces like the airport or on-board the plane.
  • Severe lack of date nights = Table for One, please? Oh never mind, I’ll just have it to-go!
  • Feeding people baked goods is one of the elaborate ways I show my love and affection but being miles away from your partner means you only get to send him styled Instagram shots of your chocolate tart with captions like “FUDGE you, distance!” or “I only have eyes pies for you, boo!“.
  • Missing out on the good and the bad – When either of you’ve had a terrible day or even an exceptional good one, and you can’t physically be there for hugs and high-fives respectively.
  • When the technology you’re so dependent on (and grateful for) royally fucks you over while you’re on a voice/video call with your partner just as you’re sharing a juicy piece of news with them. “Wait, I can’t hear you! What was that last bit? Hello? You’re breaking up!”
  • When you get invited to after dark social gatherings and are asked to bring your partner or a plus one but you end up going alone while your boyfriend is 6000 miles away asleep because daylight savings.
  • Expensive plane adventures. You want to fly over on holiday weekends but Zuji and Expedia are showing you exorbitant ticket prices. You could be frugal and purchase a budget plane ticket but you’re a spoiled brat who can’t sit in what feels like a sardine can for longer than 2 hours. Life is hard and cruel! #dramaqueen

mindy

***

*After my last long distance relationship failed, I didn’t think I could do the whole distance thing again. There was so much contempt, distrust and miscommunication over the 3-4 years – enough to take the wind out of my sails. But life works in funny little ways. Using food analogies (my favourite!) as an example, it’s like eating foie gras for the first time but it’s served to you in a pâté form which turns out, your taste buds are utterly repulsed by. Traumatised (and grossed out) by your first bad experience, you decide never to even look at goose liver again until one day, just out of the blue, it is offered to you on a beautiful plate, pan seared to perfection with a side of caramelized pears and drizzled with a balsamic reduction. And then suddenly, just like that, you’ve discovered a gastronomic wonder and your heart (and belly) fills with joy when you think about foie gras. I wrongfully blamed a lot of my past relationship’s failures on the distance when perhaps it was much more than just not being in the same space. And it’s liberating to be proven otherwise now with someone who makes you feel good. That said, as I am writing this, I can’t help but feel cautiously optimistic. It feels a tad uncomfortable talking about a relationship that is newish and currently going so well. There is an underlying sense of anxiety that it could all go so wrong but fear hasn’t stopped me before and it certainly wouldn’t stop me now.

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10 Things I learnt from Online Dating

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#1
Technology only makes it seem like it’s a lot easier to meet the love of your life. If you’ve ever eaten at The Cheesecake Factory, one of the first things you probably noticed is that they present you with an insanely long menu. It seriously looks like a short fiction novel. You flip through page after page scrutinising every item for fear that you might miss out on a great dish… or dare I say it, the (elusive) perfect dish. It’s so easy to get overwhelmed by the choices and sometimes I get put off just looking at the sheer number of items on the menu. Herein lies the paradox of choice. There are so many shiny dating profiles online that you can never decide who is good enough and who is worth sending a message to.

#2
Sometimes, you’re someone’s rebound and you don’t always know it until you do. And that’s okay because it’s always good to donate your time to charity.

#3
You can’t quite experience firsthand, someone’s reeking body odour through an app. Don’t wait too long to meet someone whom you’ve been chatting with. You can try and suss all you want but there is a limit to how much you can learn about someone without actually meeting them.

#4
No one owes you anything. You might be having the best exchanges via text and you may have even had a couple of sensational dates that ended with a kiss that made you weak in the knees. And just as you plan your next date, you stop hearing from them. You’re not quite sure what happened and it bothers you immensely. You can fret over it and check your phone every five minutes but you may never hear from them again. You take a deep breath and move on because sometimes the world is your (unresponsive) oyster.

#5
First dates at your favourite hangout are a BAD idea. I repeat, a bad idea. That cocktail bar and/or hole-in-the-wall restaurant you love oh so much should be kept all to yourself. Unless of course, you enjoy bumping into your dates at a later time while they’re on a date with someone else. Hey fucknugget, isn’t that the cocktail I recommended?

#6
With the treasure trove of information available online, it’s so tempting to google your matches before you meet them, you know, just to find out their career aspirations on their Linkedin profile or check out what was the last thing they retweeted or maybe even to see if they might be a sketchy character with a drinking and streaking problem on Facebook. Digital diligence might seem like a good idea especially since we’re all busy and don’t want to waste our time on someone who might potentially be a scam artist or a misogynist (I don’t know which is worse, frankly). But really, all stalking does is allow you to get judgy and dismiss them quickly. There are no shortcuts to dating. We have to invest the time and energy it takes to find love. I always give them benefit of the doubt and save my judgment until I meet them in person. And boy do I judge them hard.

#7
You might not meet the love of your life but you sure as hell meet some interesting characters. Some of the coolest people I’ve met in the last couple of years, I’ve met through OkCupid and Tinder. They make for good dinner party stories and the exceptional ones end up in your social circle becoming dinner party guests. Whoever said you couldn’t forge new friendships through dating sites? Joke’s on you, kid!

#8
Nerves aside, you can tell so much about someone from just the first date. Everything from how they treat the wait staff at the restaurant/bar to their body language and the stories they tell. I’ve found that I’m least attracted to men who whinge and whine about everything. You’re on a date, dude and I ain’t your shrink. And I’m most attracted to men who make me laugh, at their expense… and if they play their cards right, at my own expense too.

#9
Chivalry Good grammar isn’t dead. Never trust a man who texts you more emojis than he does actual sentences.

#10
It’s 2016. While the dating playground continues to be a rocky terrain, you can afford to take some chances without crumbling. Don’t wait to be asked out. Sweep that pride of yours under the rug and make the first move.

blammo_zps7fe9cb5d

 

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The Danger Zone aka The Friend Zone

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I’ve been meaning to address this for the longest time but life has gotten in the way of my – The Date Expectations – pursuits.

In the pilot season of F.R.I.E.N.D.S, (I know there appears to be a trend on quoting the series in quite a few of my posts) there is an episode where Ross is agonising over his secret love for Rachel, and Joey as a matter of fact informs him that he has sat on it for far too long and now it was nearly impossible to change this friendship to something romantic. His exact words were: Never gonna happen. You and Rachel. Because you waited too long to make your move and now, you’re in the friend zone…. Ross, you’re mayor of the zone.

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And so began the countless memes and popular culture references to this exact situation, where a friendship exists between two people, one of whom has unrequited romantic feelings for the other. Most of us have been there, either on the giving or receiving end of things. Some of you may deny this and conveniently erase this embarrassing memory from your otherwise perfect lives. But let’s not kid ourselves,  you too – Yes, you – have been there.

Just this year alone, I’ve met with friends and friends of friends who have discussed their dating experiences in detail with me, thanks to my pesky, nosy questions that I flagrantly pose at social events. And what was fascinating to me is how quite a few of them at some point in their lives, have had amorous interest in their friends or people in their immediate social circle, but held themselves back from acting on it because they felt like they had waited too long and had  found themselves in a situation where they’d been diabolically friend-zoned to a point of no return.

To write about this seemingly awful idea of the friend zone, you’d think that I have had ample experience in this danger zone but the truth is (and thankfully so), I can only think very few occasions where I’d been undeniably friend zoned. The first and most pivotal time, was in my teenage years where I mustered up the courage to befriend whom I thought was the cutest guy I’d ever met. We’d talk on the phone every night before we went to sleep and hung out every other day after school hours to enjoy 50 cent ice-cream cones from McDonalds’. It was only after 3 months that I found out that I was out of his league because he batted for the other team. He had developed a crush on a boy he had met and decided to tell me about it. I should have known from the way he perfectly styled his hair, the manner in which he wore his pants just a little too snugly and how he strutted down the streets. I should have seen the rainbow flag he was waving loudly and proudly. But when a man buys you ice-cream and your favourite gummi bear candy, and walks down the street with his arm around your shoulder, you get a little punch-drunk and disillusioned. In retrospect, it’s side-splitting and makes for an excellent story to recount at a party. But back when I actually realised we couldn’t be together, it left me dejected and pessimistic temporarily. The wonderful thing about your adolescent years is that most of us don’t remember things for long. You get hurt but you pick yourself up quickly and move on but in your adult years, the pain hits a little harder and you remember every detail the same way an elephant has steel-trap memories.

So to gather some qualitative data, I sent some friends (single and attached) a text message recently asking them to recount a time in their lives where they had either been friend-zoned or had consciously friend-zoned someone, and these are some of the replies I got:

“Being friend-zoned feels like you’re in purgatory. You think you’re fucking close to heaven but actually, you’re knee deep in hell.”

“If I have a feeling that he is pursuing me and I just wanna be friends, I’d make it a point to refer to him as ‘bro’ just to set the record straight without actively addressing the situation.”

“It’s like not getting the job you applied for even though you really wanted it and are definitely qualified for it. And the employer calls you up every day to sing praises about the person they did hire!”

“Coincidentally, I went out yesterday with a friend and got an almost confession. He was complimenting me and then suddenly said ‘I think if I had an ideal type of girlfriend, you come closest out of all the girls I’ve met.’ I sat there stunned and then went ‘haha thanks’. I guess he took my hint and just went on to talk about girls in general or something.”

“You go back and forth on whether you took too long to confess your feelings. You thought you were laying the foundation and making calculated moves but before you know it, she’s in the arms of some other guy, and telling you how she can’t wait for you to meet him.”

and because we all have that one smartass friend:

“Does it count if I haven’t told someone yet? I need to ring up Ryan Gosling tonight. I think it’s time he knew we can only be friends.”

A quick Google search will inform you that there are in fact books on the market that advise readers on how to get out of the friend zone if they’re in it. And for the non-book readers, there are tons of articles and listicles online on the topic. I trawled through the internet to find some answers but as we all know, the internet generally poses more questions than actually giving you any answers.

I’m not sure that we can forever avoid being in the friend zone. It is bound to happen at one or point or another. When you like someone or if you feel like you’re attracted to them, most of us try to get to know someone on a more platonic level to test the waters instead of diving nose deep into a sea of uncertainty. And besides, at risk of sounding naïve, don’t some of the best love stories stem from a solid, natural groundwork of friendship? From the superficial research that I’ve done prior to writing this entry, I realise a lot of self-help books immediately label men/women who try the friendship route as the ‘nice guys’ and how they need to snap out of it. There are so many articles that advise men particularly to stop playing the nice guy and get out there to claim what’s theirs. A little aggressive if you ask me! I mean I see their point. We all want to go out of our way to do nice things for the people we love. This is no different from it. That said, I understand the full value of self-preservation and not devaluing oneself. No one should make all the sacrifices and make unnecessary compromises at the risk of looking like a doormat but you feel what you feel so where do you draw the line?

Yet again, I have only questions and no answers. Dr Helen Fisher might have some insight on this so you could check in with her. But if I had to dole out some advice, it would be this. Firstly, you – yes you – who is harbouring super loveydovey feelings and spending every waking minute imagining who your offspring is going to take after, you or the love of your life who doesn’t know it yet – STAWP! Crack addicts need their crack but crack, I hear tastes a lot better when you’ve had some separation time so do just that. Peel yourself from how you feel and leave some breathing room for the friendship to possibly flourish to a relationship. And you – If you’re in a situation where you know someone has romantic feelings for you and you might feel the same, let them know instead of leashing them along on a wild ride. But if you don’t see the potential for something more, don’t be an asshole and sweep the matter under the rug thinking the matter would resolve itself. Address it! This person, this friend of yours has feelings and emotions just like you do and is capable of heartbreak and anxiety just like you are, so put them out of their misery and let them know you’d like to be friends. It’s not going to be pretty and it will most definitely be awkward for a while, because who wants to hear from the person they might be in love with that they just want to be buddies? – how awful! – but at least you’d have set the record straight from the very beginning and both parties are clear.  And who knows, you might end up being the best of friends and laughing about it at a Christmas party in years to come.

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xo

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On First Date Etiquette: Kisses, Handshakes or Hugs?

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Let’s face it. First dates are potentially dicey. You’ve brazenly swiped each other and exchanged badinage online, but now the time has come for you to meet for the first time. You might choose to meet at a coffee place, a cocktail bar or even a restaurant, if you bask in high pressure situations.(Seriously. You’ll need at least 90 minutes for dinner and if you’re having a horrid time, there is no escaping!). Now, once that’s decided and as you patiently wait at your meeting spot trying to furiously recall if you’ve put on deodorant, you see your date walking towards you — How do you plan to break the first physical barrier? You have about 10 seconds to decide if 1) you’re going to shake their hand, 2) give them a hug, 3) lean in for a kiss or 4) in true millennial fashion, whip out an unorthodox hello such as a fist bump/ shoulder squeeze or simply stand there like a Botero sculpture.

I’m a fairly confident person but even I do not immediately go in for the sweeping Hollywood embrace. People are cautious and if there is anything I’ve learned over the years as a public relations practitioner, it is to always observe people’s body language, tread lightly and try to take their cue. That said, first impressions are crucial to me so I seize any given opportunity to break the touch barrier because it inevitably sets the tone for the rest of the evening.

The sense of touch is by far the most fascinating and necessary of the sensory system, and my favourite of the five senses because there’s something in us that is well beyond the reach of words or sounds — something that eludes and defies our pursuit to explain it. The sense of touch develops well before all other senses in embryos, and is the primary manner in which infants learn about their environment and bond with other people. Throughout life, we use our sense of touch to learn, protect ourselves, relate to others, and to experience pleasure. Sometimes, when I’m seated on a crowded bus and my shoulders or sides of my thighs brush up against the person seated next to me, (and after I’ve gotten over the initial wave of repulsion from involuntarily touching a complete stranger) there is a certain feeling of comfort that ensues.

So what exactly do I do when I meet a date for the first time? It really depends on what my body tells me to do along with my date’s body language. These days I either go in for a quick peck on the cheek, followed by a hug that neither lingers too long nor ends too quickly, or I do the European thing where I shake their hands and kiss both cheeks. I can’t remember the last time I simply shook my date’s hand on the first meeting. Dates that begin with a cold, prudish handshake in my opinion are doomed from the very beginning. The only exception for this is if you haven’t spent much time chatting with each other before meeting. But if you’re like me who enjoys taking the time to suss out your online matches before agreeing to go out, then there is absolutely no need for a business meeting greeting. And I’ll be honest here — call me a creeper but I am guilty of inching closer just to get a whiff of my date. I do it with discretion of course, no one needs to know I’m on a pheromone prowl — so far, so good. Once the touch barrier is broken for the first time, it depends entirely on the chemistry between my date and I for me to want to touch them again. It is not often that I feel inclined to do so, but if I do find myself wanting to touch their face or their hand or perhaps a gentle stroke of their arm, it’s a good indication that I am comfortable and fond of them, platonically so or otherwise.

That said, in a date setting, no one enjoys a gauche greeting but we’ve all been there. You can have all the confidence in the world, in the vessel that is your body but I’ve stopped counting the number of times I feel some kind of insane storm in my belly as I try to kiss someone’s cheek, mis-aim and plant my lips on their ear instead. There have also been proud moments in my life where my date would place his hand out so I could shake it but instead I go in for a hug resulting in an awkward hand-on-my-boob situation. It ain’t a pretty sight but it happens and there is no back pedalling out of that. And that’s okay. Because at the end of the day, we’re all a curious mixture of strength and fragility, diffidence and bravery. You just wear your best smile, open your heart and go with it while constantly reminding yourself to aim for the cheek and not the fucking ear next time.

How do you prefer to greet your first date?

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“I like the way you say Raspberries”

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The internet dating pool is a playground. You meet all sorts of people. Typically, they’re engineers, bankers, accountants, pilots but every now and then, you speak to someone whose professional choice gets your full and undivided attention. “I’m sorry, but did you just say you’re a mathematician?” Sploosh. “A Human Rights specialist for the United Nations?” *fans self* or most recently, “You’re a chef? You mean a real one?”

 ***

Now if you know me well enough, you’d know that I have a massive weakness for food, nay, a deep and dark love affair with food. I’ve gone out with people who have actually mentioned things like “wow, you really like to eat, don’t you?” or “You talk a lot about food!” Why yes, I do, thank you very much. So imagine my absolute delight when I found out that I was talking to a chef. When you put two people who love food together at a table, some kind of magic happens. Immediately, you are given free rein to go into explicit detail about the creme bulee you once had at a tiny little French restaurant that still haunts you to date. Suddenly, you no longer sound bat shit crazy when you passionately talk about your lobbying for the ban of Vanilla essence and Matcha-based desserts. And just like that, everything’s on the table for discussion.

There are things people don’t tell you about dating a chef. They’re intense, wildly intense. It’s almost a little intimidating. They’re also constantly working – The kitchen is their mother, wife and mistress. They make this crystal clear, from the very beginning so if you date a chef, you find creative ways to fit into the crevices of their busy lives..

When I first started chatting with Mr Chef, I didn’t know what he did for a living. We had a heated discussion on what is the definitive American dessert – Pecan Pie or Carrot Cake. To which I said, I’m not a fan of neither but I can make a delicious pie and cake. He said he could too. But because I’m an arrogant asshole, I said “I’m sure you could but mine probably tastes better.” Of course, once I found out that he was a chef, I pretty much swallowed my words whole and felt a little embarrassed. “If I had known you were a chef, I wouldn’t have made that douchey comment about being a better baker,” I texted, sheepishly. To which he replied with much class, “I’m sure you’re still the better baker.” Sploosh.

I met Mr Chef for dinner a week later. We had been exchanging messages all week on discussion topics ranging from food (big fuckin’ surprise!) to films and Mr Chef’s life in the Big Apple before coming here. It’s very rare that I would agree to a dinner on a first date – feels like too much of a commitment, having to sit through an entire meal with a stranger. What if you’ve realised you’re having a terrible time by the time you’re done with your appetiser. You can’t just feign an emergency and run away. It’s 2015 – People know all the tricks there are in the books! So my strategy is just to go for a drink and see where the evening takes us. However, it seemed only right that two foodies (one professional, one amateur) should bond over a meal. Indian, it was – my choice, of course. I was 5 minutes late, something that always leaves me unnerved on a date. I like being early. Alas, traffic fucked me over. He politely waited outside the restaurant. I gave him a peck on the cheek and led him to what could quite possibly be the best Indian meal of his life. Unlikely. But I enjoy dishing out the hyperboles.

Statistically, it takes 1200 seconds, that’s 20 minutes, to decide if there is chemistry between two people. I might have over-generalised this statement but it is true to me. It takes me all in all 20 minutes to decide if there is a spark. I mean sure, we could all argue that chemistry can be built over time. The question here is, could this time be spent doing something else worthier?

Mr Chef was quick to inform me from the very beginning of the evening: “I just want to say that this is my resting face. It looks like I’m always annoyed or bored but I assure you that it has nothing to do with how I actually feel.” What an unfortunate resting face. I chortled, and we proceeded to commence selecting our food – He sank at ease into his seat and told me he trusted me to make the right selections off the menu. As we perused the menu, I wondered at what point was I going to feel this said chemistry, if at all. I looked up and sneaked a look at his face. Was there a facial feature that gave me the butterflies? Nope. What about his hands? Hmm. How does one find chemistry when it doesn’t want to be found?

We talked about dessert – easily one of my favourite conversation topics – and the varieties that we enjoyed baking and stuffing our faces with. The topic of tarts and pies came up. “I am rather selective when it comes to tarts. Lemon and raspberries are acceptable. I don’t understand the appeal of pumpkin.”

Mr Chef smiled and said, “I like the way you say Raspberries.”

Sixteen minutes in. Damn it. Where are you hiding, Chemistry? Show yourself!

It didn’t make an appearance that evening. We did however, have an enjoyable meal and comfortably discussed many things from useless trivia to David Sedaris to our shared love for Wes Anderson films.This comes easy for extroverts. I think I was hoping for chemistry. Chefs are supposed to be intense, passionate and ooze fiery sex appeal. False advertising, I say. This is what happens when you’ve watched too many episodes of Parts Unknown, lusting after Anthony Bourdain. I have no one to blame but myself.

I paid for dinner, like I usually do when I ask someone out. No big deal. Controversial decision, I hear from the people I speak to regarding bills on the first date. To go Dutch? Should the Guy pay? Should the Girl? This is perhaps best left for another entry. Mr Chef didn’t seem too pleased with the idea of me paying but he didn’t persist. I don’t like the drama. He walked me to the train station and we parted ways with a quick peck on the cheek.

“Shall we see each other again?”

“Sure, why not?” I said.

“Maybe we can watch a movie or something next time round. I have a crazy schedule. I never plan things so you’ll have to let me know.”

At this point I thought, “never plan anything? Well, that’s just lazy.”

I smiled very politely and said “I guess I’ll let you know then.”

Because 20 minutes was all I needed to figure out that there wasn’t going to be a second date. Maybe I’ll need to manage my expectations and find myself a pastry chef next. In the meantime, I suppose binging on re-runs of Parts Unknown and No Reservations, while fantasising about my life with Mr Bourdain will have to suffice. Sploosh.