This morning, I read an article on a new dating app that has been specially created for people with plus size body types. I groaned and decided to put my judgement aside and look it up on Facebook. Under its short description, it said: WooPlus is a dating app, connecting local big beautiful women, plus-size men and their admirers. I groaned again, and rolled my eyes. I had to remind myself to not be so judgmental.
The founder of the app said that the current unfortunate reality is that the dating environment is very cruel to bigger girls. Women get fat-shamed by entitled Tinder assholes all the time. And so, to create a safer dating space, an app specially for larger sized women was born.
The app promises to help plus size singles find the right kind of companionship and aeonian love. It proudly states that users may no longer have to deal with creepers online and the rejection of society that claims thin is in.
Surely people can’t be so naive, right? Creepers are going to be creepers regardless! They’ll find you no matter where you go and they will continue to throw out hateful words. And an app that specially celebrates fat acceptance is exactly the kind of app that will get unwanted attention and potentially a slew of users who’d use it for all the wrong reasons. I am not just referring to the chubby chasers here but I can actually foresee hundreds of women being lured and potentially shamed online because people are assholes and will do anything and everything to make grand jocular remarks at the expense of someone’s feelings.
I see the merits of the app, I really do but I can’t help but feel a wave of disappointment hit me as I read about yet another community that feels the need to alienate itself from society to find themselves a space that doesn’t fester shaming and bullying.
You can run, but can you really hide?
The fact of the matter is that the current unfortunate reality is that the dating environment is cruel to anyone who doesn’t fit conventional standards. It’s for this very reason that there are so many goddamn dating apps to fit every community or interest group. Are you Jewish and only looking to date Jewish women/men? Sure, we have an app for that! Looking for an Indian girlfriend/ boyfriend? Of course, we have a website for you too! What was that? Looking for someone who is into polyamory? We got you covered! Are you stinking rich and only interested to cosy up to someone who matches your social status? There is an app for you, young millionaire! There is something for everyone. I get it. We all have different needs but I can’t help but feel like we’re alienating ourselves more than anything else. And to me, the cons of building these walls up to only seemingly surround yourself with people you think are similar to you, and thus won’t hurt you, outweigh the pros.
When it comes to online dating, apparently, everyone’s a little bit racist and kind of awful, said OkCupid’s co-founder Chris Rudder in a 2014 interview. He goes on to explain this more in his book, Dataclysm, Who we are when we think no one’s looking. You can call it preference, you can call it prejudice but we’re all guilty of being explicitly clear on traits we don’t care for. Sites like Tinder and OkCupid are littered with racial and other physical preferences but we let them slide because we do it too and we’re all on the search for that prepossessing person that comes along to make you go weak in the knees.
I don’t want to pull the gender card here but statistics show that women face the brunt of these archaic attitudes online.
I have read probably hundreds of spectacularly offensive profiles that list things like:
“I’m not racist but Caucasian girls only.”
“Looking for voluptuous/ curvy women”
“No fatties!”
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve had people throw out casually racist/ sexist comments at me in their opening messages. Bearing in mind that I barely know this person:
“Are you Indian? You’re too fair and beautiful to be Indian.”
(Really? You really want to go there? It is exactly because of idiots like you that women feel compelled to lather on fairness creams and whiten their lady parts)
“I didn’t know that girls in Singapore are actually that cute!”
(Nothing like a backhanded compliment to get a girl to drop her panties.
Come, let me slowclap for you.)
“What’s your weight?”
(You only get one chance to make a good first impression and you have blown yours, Sir.)
“Your curves are beyond yummy. I love me some cushion for the pushin’.”
(I laughed at this one but no. just no.)
“Speaking of vegetarian stuff, those melons of yours look magnificent”
(They are magnificent indeed but your lack of self-awareness is far from magnificent, young padawan.)
I don’t know exactly when it became socially acceptable to type these comments out to a complete stranger. I mean don’t get me wrong. I am all for lewd comments and this has nothing to do with conservatism but surely there is a time and place, and most definitely some rapport that needs to be built before anyone should have the green light to say the things they say.
Your life online is mediated through words you choose to share on dating sites. You socialise, you flirt, you ask questions and have them answered all through typing. It has so much potential to hold a certain epistolary grandness and yet people find new and innovative ways to shit on the whole idea of online dating.
I’m not disagreeing that we should be allowed to be have preferences. Most of us have particular preferences when it comes to sexual/romantic partners. Having a certain preference for a certain style isn’t inherently immoral. However, the approach you employ when advertising these preferences should be carefully examined because it says so much about you as a person.
In summary, these are my two cents:
1. On racism online – Putting down “no blacks” or “no rice” or “no curry” or “no spice” on your dating profile doesn’t mean you have a preference. It means you’re a racist cunt.
2. On niche dating apps – Beware of the power of circles. Elif Shafak in one of her old TED talks talked about how if you want to destroy something in this life, be it an acne, a blemish or a human soul, all you need to do is to surround it with thick walls so that it will dry up inside. Now we all live in some kind of a social/ cultural circle. If all the people in our inner circle resemble us, it means we are surrounded by our mirror image. Our hearts might dwindle and our humanness might wither if we stay for too long inside our cocoons. I think this is exactly what extremely niche dating apps do to people. They create a cocoon with the false promise of security but slowly break our spirit and our connection with the rest of the world.
3. On sexism online – I’ve never been a bra burning feminist but I do believe in equality and respect. I’ve seen women who proudly proclaim they are feminists online. I don’t think I have been particularly blatant about it mostly because I think everyone should be a feminist. It should be part and parcel of who you are. Plenty of men however might feel differently. I’ve read features on men telling women online to ‘lighten up’ and not be such an angry feminist. ‘You’d win more men over with sweet candy than with bitter vegetables,’ they’d say. *raises eyebrow*
Oh you foolish foolish men, misogyny and casual sexism will get you no candy. Now, go make me a sandwich.