Tag Archives: online

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If You Could Leave Yelp Reviews about Your Dates

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Howard
35, Programmer

A Real Catch (if you’re a dessert sharer)!

★★★★☆

Funny, Fresh and Fine! Easily one of the most eligible bachelors in the Pacific Northwest.

Despite terrible traffic, Howard showed up on time for our mid-week date, effortlessly chic in a casual polo tee, dark jeans and leather boots. His dinner spot location was well thought out. It was bustling enough to drown out any potentially awkward silences but quiet enough to hear each other take turns to humblebrag. Howard is certainly not a morning person so I’d highly recommend that you schedule any and all dates with him no earlier than noon. If you’re a Happy Hour hound, forget about your Monday night drinks sesh because this guy doesn’t consume a drop of alcohol. The upside to this is that he will drive you home as you drunkenly sob about how much you hate your co-workers. He has a sweet tooth so be warned that he will eat his slice of cake and reach out for yours while distracting you with his devilishly enchanting eyes. All in all, a fun evening and I would’ve definitely gone out with Howard on a second date but there are lines which should not be crossed and I draw mine at sharing dessert. That said, ladies who steer clear of sugar and/or those on the Keto diet, he won’t be on the market for long so go get it!

Highlights

√ Funny
√ Successful
√ Handsome
√ Respectful

Lowlights

× Conservative
× Will steal your sweets
× Not a morning person = not a brunch person
× Doesn’t drink (could be a highlight if you need a designated driver)

More Info

Fashion acumen – Smart Casual Chic
Real or fake profile – Definitely real
Good for showing off to friends – Yes
Good for Kids – Possibly
Age accuracy – Spot on
Photo accuracy – Spot on
Does real life personality match online personality – Yes
Chances of sending you unsolicited dick pics – Slim to none
Alcohol – No
Happy Hour – No
Smoking – No

Yelp-us-Out1_zps0282a352

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Richard
32, Comic Artist

Bug-a-boo

★☆☆☆☆

It’s not you, it’s the germs!

I want to commend Richard for staying committed to showing up to a first date even though he was under the weather — I really do — but there is nothing attractive about sitting across the table from a man with a handkerchief in hand, blowing his nose like a trumpet.  Handkerchiefs are said to be old-fashioned, gentlemanly and sexy right? Wrong! “Would you like a piece of tissue?” I asked as I stared at his ‘kerchief and thought about all the snot it had been collecting like a germ bank throughout the evening.  I ended the evening within an hour or so, partly because sick people are no fun and partly because I thought it’d be best he rested. Here’s a protip, Richard: Next time, reschedule if you’re under the weather. We want to see the best of you on a first date — pocketful of personality — not a pocketful of germs!

Highlights

√ Hardworking, probably
√ Keeps promises
√ Old-fashioned

Lowlights

× Germ breeder and spreader
× Snot-on-handkerchief

More Info

Fashion acumen – Hobo chic
Real or fake profile – Real
Good for showing off to friends – If you’d like the to die from the flu bug, yes
Good for Kids – Debatable
Age accuracy – Spot on
Photo accuracy – Dated! Profile picture is at least 5 years old
Does real life personality match online personality – Hard to say
Chances of sending you unsolicited dick pics – Slim to none
Alcohol – No
Happy Hour – No
Smoking – No

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10 Things I learnt from Online Dating

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#1
Technology only makes it seem like it’s a lot easier to meet the love of your life. If you’ve ever eaten at The Cheesecake Factory, one of the first things you probably noticed is that they present you with an insanely long menu. It seriously looks like a short fiction novel. You flip through page after page scrutinising every item for fear that you might miss out on a great dish… or dare I say it, the (elusive) perfect dish. It’s so easy to get overwhelmed by the choices and sometimes I get put off just looking at the sheer number of items on the menu. Herein lies the paradox of choice. There are so many shiny dating profiles online that you can never decide who is good enough and who is worth sending a message to.

#2
Sometimes, you’re someone’s rebound and you don’t always know it until you do. And that’s okay because it’s always good to donate your time to charity.

#3
You can’t quite experience firsthand, someone’s reeking body odour through an app. Don’t wait too long to meet someone whom you’ve been chatting with. You can try and suss all you want but there is a limit to how much you can learn about someone without actually meeting them.

#4
No one owes you anything. You might be having the best exchanges via text and you may have even had a couple of sensational dates that ended with a kiss that made you weak in the knees. And just as you plan your next date, you stop hearing from them. You’re not quite sure what happened and it bothers you immensely. You can fret over it and check your phone every five minutes but you may never hear from them again. You take a deep breath and move on because sometimes the world is your (unresponsive) oyster.

#5
First dates at your favourite hangout are a BAD idea. I repeat, a bad idea. That cocktail bar and/or hole-in-the-wall restaurant you love oh so much should be kept all to yourself. Unless of course, you enjoy bumping into your dates at a later time while they’re on a date with someone else. Hey fucknugget, isn’t that the cocktail I recommended?

#6
With the treasure trove of information available online, it’s so tempting to google your matches before you meet them, you know, just to find out their career aspirations on their Linkedin profile or check out what was the last thing they retweeted or maybe even to see if they might be a sketchy character with a drinking and streaking problem on Facebook. Digital diligence might seem like a good idea especially since we’re all busy and don’t want to waste our time on someone who might potentially be a scam artist or a misogynist (I don’t know which is worse, frankly). But really, all stalking does is allow you to get judgy and dismiss them quickly. There are no shortcuts to dating. We have to invest the time and energy it takes to find love. I always give them benefit of the doubt and save my judgment until I meet them in person. And boy do I judge them hard.

#7
You might not meet the love of your life but you sure as hell meet some interesting characters. Some of the coolest people I’ve met in the last couple of years, I’ve met through OkCupid and Tinder. They make for good dinner party stories and the exceptional ones end up in your social circle becoming dinner party guests. Whoever said you couldn’t forge new friendships through dating sites? Joke’s on you, kid!

#8
Nerves aside, you can tell so much about someone from just the first date. Everything from how they treat the wait staff at the restaurant/bar to their body language and the stories they tell. I’ve found that I’m least attracted to men who whinge and whine about everything. You’re on a date, dude and I ain’t your shrink. And I’m most attracted to men who make me laugh, at their expense… and if they play their cards right, at my own expense too.

#9
Chivalry Good grammar isn’t dead. Never trust a man who texts you more emojis than he does actual sentences.

#10
It’s 2016. While the dating playground continues to be a rocky terrain, you can afford to take some chances without crumbling. Don’t wait to be asked out. Sweep that pride of yours under the rug and make the first move.

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Height Fetish

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Contributed by: András Tóth, Hungary

Definition of ‘fetish’: any object or nongenital part of the body that causes a habitual erotic response or fixation.

In the age of super fast and super easy apps for online dating, if you had the chance to describe yourself in a few sentences, how would you? Would you talk about your passions, goals and hopes, or dish out a witty line suggesting there’s more in your brain, maybe even a quote subtly telling us you don’t have original thoughts of your own, or…

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So unfortunate… These women identify with their height…

Yes. Your height. With that you’re basically telling me that after your 20- or 30-something years all you have to show for is your height. Is it an achievement on which you have worked night and day? Many parts of the body can be shaped or reshaped, even if you were unlucky with your DNA… But your height unfortunately isn’t one of these parts, sorry.

Apart from giving the impression of a total lack of remotely any exciting mental abilities, what these people also miss that after you have been matched, he (even after all these years of feminism, most of the time it will still be a he and not a she 😦 ) could base his first question on your introduction. If you provided your height, a possible conversation could look like this:

Nancy (27 173/63), Li (30 170/65):

Li: Hi Nancy! Glad to meet you!
Nancy: Hi Li!
Li: Are you really 173 tall?
Nancy: Yes.
Li: Good.
Nancy: And you are only 170?
Li: Yes.
Nancy: 😦 So sad. Now I will unmatch you.

OK, I know it’s a dealbreaker for some people, but can I ask what function does height in sex have? The answer would be ‘no function’, unless it is a fetish: like the one when you can’t be aroused if your partner doesn’t wear high heels. What’s the difference?

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The first line says in Hungarian: “Don’t try it below 178cm!”

The other thing I cannot understand about height nazis, is that what would happen if their partner would stand on a step below them on the escalator? Instant loss of interest? Or would I get instant respect and arousal if I get a box to stand on? Or can I “hack” your fetish with wearing stilts or an overly large/ high shoe?

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Can you imagine? People wore these in Hungary in the 90s during the techno era.

Yeah, I’m not dumb – I know it’s about what others will think about the relationship if your man is shorter… I’ll tell you what they’d think: “Wow, what can this little guy possibly know about sex?”.

Wouldn’t it be a great indirect compliment? 😉

Personally I have a list that goes before actual parameters: her sexual impact, if we are on the same wavelength relating to humor, intellect, lightness of heart, honesty, dignity, respect, fun, energy…

Let’s perhaps look at a good example, where I can assume that neither she, nor I are interested in each others’ height:

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I will love you if you don’t kill me with your dog! I promise!

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On First Date Etiquette: Kisses, Handshakes or Hugs?

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Let’s face it. First dates are potentially dicey. You’ve brazenly swiped each other and exchanged badinage online, but now the time has come for you to meet for the first time. You might choose to meet at a coffee place, a cocktail bar or even a restaurant, if you bask in high pressure situations.(Seriously. You’ll need at least 90 minutes for dinner and if you’re having a horrid time, there is no escaping!). Now, once that’s decided and as you patiently wait at your meeting spot trying to furiously recall if you’ve put on deodorant, you see your date walking towards you — How do you plan to break the first physical barrier? You have about 10 seconds to decide if 1) you’re going to shake their hand, 2) give them a hug, 3) lean in for a kiss or 4) in true millennial fashion, whip out an unorthodox hello such as a fist bump/ shoulder squeeze or simply stand there like a Botero sculpture.

I’m a fairly confident person but even I do not immediately go in for the sweeping Hollywood embrace. People are cautious and if there is anything I’ve learned over the years as a public relations practitioner, it is to always observe people’s body language, tread lightly and try to take their cue. That said, first impressions are crucial to me so I seize any given opportunity to break the touch barrier because it inevitably sets the tone for the rest of the evening.

The sense of touch is by far the most fascinating and necessary of the sensory system, and my favourite of the five senses because there’s something in us that is well beyond the reach of words or sounds — something that eludes and defies our pursuit to explain it. The sense of touch develops well before all other senses in embryos, and is the primary manner in which infants learn about their environment and bond with other people. Throughout life, we use our sense of touch to learn, protect ourselves, relate to others, and to experience pleasure. Sometimes, when I’m seated on a crowded bus and my shoulders or sides of my thighs brush up against the person seated next to me, (and after I’ve gotten over the initial wave of repulsion from involuntarily touching a complete stranger) there is a certain feeling of comfort that ensues.

So what exactly do I do when I meet a date for the first time? It really depends on what my body tells me to do along with my date’s body language. These days I either go in for a quick peck on the cheek, followed by a hug that neither lingers too long nor ends too quickly, or I do the European thing where I shake their hands and kiss both cheeks. I can’t remember the last time I simply shook my date’s hand on the first meeting. Dates that begin with a cold, prudish handshake in my opinion are doomed from the very beginning. The only exception for this is if you haven’t spent much time chatting with each other before meeting. But if you’re like me who enjoys taking the time to suss out your online matches before agreeing to go out, then there is absolutely no need for a business meeting greeting. And I’ll be honest here — call me a creeper but I am guilty of inching closer just to get a whiff of my date. I do it with discretion of course, no one needs to know I’m on a pheromone prowl — so far, so good. Once the touch barrier is broken for the first time, it depends entirely on the chemistry between my date and I for me to want to touch them again. It is not often that I feel inclined to do so, but if I do find myself wanting to touch their face or their hand or perhaps a gentle stroke of their arm, it’s a good indication that I am comfortable and fond of them, platonically so or otherwise.

That said, in a date setting, no one enjoys a gauche greeting but we’ve all been there. You can have all the confidence in the world, in the vessel that is your body but I’ve stopped counting the number of times I feel some kind of insane storm in my belly as I try to kiss someone’s cheek, mis-aim and plant my lips on their ear instead. There have also been proud moments in my life where my date would place his hand out so I could shake it but instead I go in for a hug resulting in an awkward hand-on-my-boob situation. It ain’t a pretty sight but it happens and there is no back pedalling out of that. And that’s okay. Because at the end of the day, we’re all a curious mixture of strength and fragility, diffidence and bravery. You just wear your best smile, open your heart and go with it while constantly reminding yourself to aim for the cheek and not the fucking ear next time.

How do you prefer to greet your first date?

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On Open Relationships and Monogamy

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1950s TWO WOMEN KISSING SINGLE MAN ON OPPOSITE CHEEKS HIS FACE COVERED WITH LIPSTICK MARKS2015 is proving to be a year of firsts for me. A good chunk of these experiences have been conscious, deliberate choices, to step out of my comfort zone, put myself in possibly uncomfortable situations and see if I can wiggle my way either comfortably into them or out of them. One of the more recent decisions I had made was to go out with someone in an open relationship. That sounds ambiguous. To be clear, the man I chose to go out on a date with had very specifically indicated on his profile that he was presently in an open relationship. I scoffed as I looked at the status, the same way I do when I read profiles with grammatical/spelling errors. So what possessed me to agree to head out and have a meal with someone who already kinda sorta belongs to someone else in a no strings attached relationship? I don’t even know what the fuck an open relationship is. Can it really be called a relationship if you’re allowed to see other people? There is a largely conservative part of me that finds this whole idea tainting the sanctity of a relationship between two people.

People struggle with commitment, I get it. But I’ve always been a strong advocate for monogamy. I have so much love to give but I’d like to smother one person at a time with love and affection. So, what does it mean to date someone in an open relationship? In a nutshell and thus far, you’re a time-filler, or at least it feels a lot like it. Do I mind it? I’m not sure yet. But I will tell you that it feels extremely odd sitting in a movie theatre with someone who holds your hand tightly like you’re the only person that matters; however, you know this person is not quite yours. He is yours, for that day but he belongs to someone else on another day. Or perhaps he belongs to no one at all. People create the relationship that works for them. Sharing has never been my strong suit. I always tell people there are two things in life I never share – my cake and my lovers. So why would I intentionally walk down this misty road?

I’m going to narrow my decision down to curiosity. Since our paths crossed, I have had burning questions on how such an arrangement, such a partnership works. And turns out, it’s not all that complicated. Thanks to the Internet, I have learnt that there have been a number of theories on people and monogamy.

‘Just because you have chosen to be a vegetarian, doesn’t mean that bacon stops smelling good.’ – Christopher Ryan

Christopher Ryan, a PhD of psychology and co-author of the book Sex at Dawn argues that “human sexuality has essentially evolved, until agriculture, as a way of maintaining and establishing the complex social networks that our ancestors were very good at.” He is also quick to note he is saying ancestors were promiscuous, but is not saying they were having sex with strangers, because, “There were no strangers.” Essentially according to him, we are sexual omnivores and that we all have closets we have to come out of.

He believes that monogamy is not hardwired in either gender. In fact, he says that sexual exclusivity came to be much later, with monogamy in many societies becoming the ideal way to raising a family. This, according to him was especially reinforced in the prudish/ highly conservative Victorian era. Ryan notes that while monogamy has now become the correct and proper way of life in many societies today where women and men are conditioned to believe that being faithful is the natural way, when in fact, our primal urges are simply to be promiscuous.

Deepak Chopra has said as well that it all boils down to ‘social revolution’ – born from the family structure and subsequent need for stability and security with a partner. The issue however is that these values tend to contradict basic human needs: for thrill, variety and on a primal level – to just get it on.

According to the National Science Foundation, only 3 to 5% of mammals are monogamous. Studies have found that sexual monogamy also relies on hormones and receptors that the brain releases. Humans’ receptors vary from person-to-person resulting in some people leaning more towards polyamory than others.

Perhaps, I’m not evolved enough, and trapped by my own inhibitions and conservatism. Or maybe I’m just too damn selfish to share the person I love with someone else. But Ryan is right. Bacon doesn’t stop smelling good. But since I have made the personal decision to be vegetarian, I will always choose brussel sprouts over bacon.

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“I like the way you say Raspberries”

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The internet dating pool is a playground. You meet all sorts of people. Typically, they’re engineers, bankers, accountants, pilots but every now and then, you speak to someone whose professional choice gets your full and undivided attention. “I’m sorry, but did you just say you’re a mathematician?” Sploosh. “A Human Rights specialist for the United Nations?” *fans self* or most recently, “You’re a chef? You mean a real one?”

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Now if you know me well enough, you’d know that I have a massive weakness for food, nay, a deep and dark love affair with food. I’ve gone out with people who have actually mentioned things like “wow, you really like to eat, don’t you?” or “You talk a lot about food!” Why yes, I do, thank you very much. So imagine my absolute delight when I found out that I was talking to a chef. When you put two people who love food together at a table, some kind of magic happens. Immediately, you are given free rein to go into explicit detail about the creme bulee you once had at a tiny little French restaurant that still haunts you to date. Suddenly, you no longer sound bat shit crazy when you passionately talk about your lobbying for the ban of Vanilla essence and Matcha-based desserts. And just like that, everything’s on the table for discussion.

There are things people don’t tell you about dating a chef. They’re intense, wildly intense. It’s almost a little intimidating. They’re also constantly working – The kitchen is their mother, wife and mistress. They make this crystal clear, from the very beginning so if you date a chef, you find creative ways to fit into the crevices of their busy lives..

When I first started chatting with Mr Chef, I didn’t know what he did for a living. We had a heated discussion on what is the definitive American dessert – Pecan Pie or Carrot Cake. To which I said, I’m not a fan of neither but I can make a delicious pie and cake. He said he could too. But because I’m an arrogant asshole, I said “I’m sure you could but mine probably tastes better.” Of course, once I found out that he was a chef, I pretty much swallowed my words whole and felt a little embarrassed. “If I had known you were a chef, I wouldn’t have made that douchey comment about being a better baker,” I texted, sheepishly. To which he replied with much class, “I’m sure you’re still the better baker.” Sploosh.

I met Mr Chef for dinner a week later. We had been exchanging messages all week on discussion topics ranging from food (big fuckin’ surprise!) to films and Mr Chef’s life in the Big Apple before coming here. It’s very rare that I would agree to a dinner on a first date – feels like too much of a commitment, having to sit through an entire meal with a stranger. What if you’ve realised you’re having a terrible time by the time you’re done with your appetiser. You can’t just feign an emergency and run away. It’s 2015 – People know all the tricks there are in the books! So my strategy is just to go for a drink and see where the evening takes us. However, it seemed only right that two foodies (one professional, one amateur) should bond over a meal. Indian, it was – my choice, of course. I was 5 minutes late, something that always leaves me unnerved on a date. I like being early. Alas, traffic fucked me over. He politely waited outside the restaurant. I gave him a peck on the cheek and led him to what could quite possibly be the best Indian meal of his life. Unlikely. But I enjoy dishing out the hyperboles.

Statistically, it takes 1200 seconds, that’s 20 minutes, to decide if there is chemistry between two people. I might have over-generalised this statement but it is true to me. It takes me all in all 20 minutes to decide if there is a spark. I mean sure, we could all argue that chemistry can be built over time. The question here is, could this time be spent doing something else worthier?

Mr Chef was quick to inform me from the very beginning of the evening: “I just want to say that this is my resting face. It looks like I’m always annoyed or bored but I assure you that it has nothing to do with how I actually feel.” What an unfortunate resting face. I chortled, and we proceeded to commence selecting our food – He sank at ease into his seat and told me he trusted me to make the right selections off the menu. As we perused the menu, I wondered at what point was I going to feel this said chemistry, if at all. I looked up and sneaked a look at his face. Was there a facial feature that gave me the butterflies? Nope. What about his hands? Hmm. How does one find chemistry when it doesn’t want to be found?

We talked about dessert – easily one of my favourite conversation topics – and the varieties that we enjoyed baking and stuffing our faces with. The topic of tarts and pies came up. “I am rather selective when it comes to tarts. Lemon and raspberries are acceptable. I don’t understand the appeal of pumpkin.”

Mr Chef smiled and said, “I like the way you say Raspberries.”

Sixteen minutes in. Damn it. Where are you hiding, Chemistry? Show yourself!

It didn’t make an appearance that evening. We did however, have an enjoyable meal and comfortably discussed many things from useless trivia to David Sedaris to our shared love for Wes Anderson films.This comes easy for extroverts. I think I was hoping for chemistry. Chefs are supposed to be intense, passionate and ooze fiery sex appeal. False advertising, I say. This is what happens when you’ve watched too many episodes of Parts Unknown, lusting after Anthony Bourdain. I have no one to blame but myself.

I paid for dinner, like I usually do when I ask someone out. No big deal. Controversial decision, I hear from the people I speak to regarding bills on the first date. To go Dutch? Should the Guy pay? Should the Girl? This is perhaps best left for another entry. Mr Chef didn’t seem too pleased with the idea of me paying but he didn’t persist. I don’t like the drama. He walked me to the train station and we parted ways with a quick peck on the cheek.

“Shall we see each other again?”

“Sure, why not?” I said.

“Maybe we can watch a movie or something next time round. I have a crazy schedule. I never plan things so you’ll have to let me know.”

At this point I thought, “never plan anything? Well, that’s just lazy.”

I smiled very politely and said “I guess I’ll let you know then.”

Because 20 minutes was all I needed to figure out that there wasn’t going to be a second date. Maybe I’ll need to manage my expectations and find myself a pastry chef next. In the meantime, I suppose binging on re-runs of Parts Unknown and No Reservations, while fantasising about my life with Mr Bourdain will have to suffice. Sploosh.