Tag Archives: boyfriend

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If You Could Leave Yelp Reviews about Your Dates

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Howard
35, Programmer

A Real Catch (if you’re a dessert sharer)!

★★★★☆

Funny, Fresh and Fine! Easily one of the most eligible bachelors in the Pacific Northwest.

Despite terrible traffic, Howard showed up on time for our mid-week date, effortlessly chic in a casual polo tee, dark jeans and leather boots. His dinner spot location was well thought out. It was bustling enough to drown out any potentially awkward silences but quiet enough to hear each other take turns to humblebrag. Howard is certainly not a morning person so I’d highly recommend that you schedule any and all dates with him no earlier than noon. If you’re a Happy Hour hound, forget about your Monday night drinks sesh because this guy doesn’t consume a drop of alcohol. The upside to this is that he will drive you home as you drunkenly sob about how much you hate your co-workers. He has a sweet tooth so be warned that he will eat his slice of cake and reach out for yours while distracting you with his devilishly enchanting eyes. All in all, a fun evening and I would’ve definitely gone out with Howard on a second date but there are lines which should not be crossed and I draw mine at sharing dessert. That said, ladies who steer clear of sugar and/or those on the Keto diet, he won’t be on the market for long so go get it!

Highlights

√ Funny
√ Successful
√ Handsome
√ Respectful

Lowlights

× Conservative
× Will steal your sweets
× Not a morning person = not a brunch person
× Doesn’t drink (could be a highlight if you need a designated driver)

More Info

Fashion acumen – Smart Casual Chic
Real or fake profile – Definitely real
Good for showing off to friends – Yes
Good for Kids – Possibly
Age accuracy – Spot on
Photo accuracy – Spot on
Does real life personality match online personality – Yes
Chances of sending you unsolicited dick pics – Slim to none
Alcohol – No
Happy Hour – No
Smoking – No

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Richard
32, Comic Artist

Bug-a-boo

★☆☆☆☆

It’s not you, it’s the germs!

I want to commend Richard for staying committed to showing up to a first date even though he was under the weather — I really do — but there is nothing attractive about sitting across the table from a man with a handkerchief in hand, blowing his nose like a trumpet.  Handkerchiefs are said to be old-fashioned, gentlemanly and sexy right? Wrong! “Would you like a piece of tissue?” I asked as I stared at his ‘kerchief and thought about all the snot it had been collecting like a germ bank throughout the evening.  I ended the evening within an hour or so, partly because sick people are no fun and partly because I thought it’d be best he rested. Here’s a protip, Richard: Next time, reschedule if you’re under the weather. We want to see the best of you on a first date — pocketful of personality — not a pocketful of germs!

Highlights

√ Hardworking, probably
√ Keeps promises
√ Old-fashioned

Lowlights

× Germ breeder and spreader
× Snot-on-handkerchief

More Info

Fashion acumen – Hobo chic
Real or fake profile – Real
Good for showing off to friends – If you’d like the to die from the flu bug, yes
Good for Kids – Debatable
Age accuracy – Spot on
Photo accuracy – Dated! Profile picture is at least 5 years old
Does real life personality match online personality – Hard to say
Chances of sending you unsolicited dick pics – Slim to none
Alcohol – No
Happy Hour – No
Smoking – No

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Pros and Cons of a Long Distance Relationship

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With the advent of technology, Long Distance Relationships (LDR) are so much more common than people think. Even so, I’ve found myself many a time inadvertently defending LDRs and their legitimacy.

“No, don’t awwwww me. It’s really not a horrible situation to be in!”

“The relationship is still real!” 

“What do you mean how do we have sex? We can still be intimate!” (*while wondering* “WTF? Why am I even having to explain my sex life?!”)

“They can work and couples have time and time again proven that!”

“No, it doesn’t make it any harder to be faithful!”

rude

While LDRs are not an ideal situation to be in, it’s no more or less stressful than maintaining a conventional relationship. It does come with its own set of problems and in the same breath, opportunities to get creative and conquer those very challenges. From someone who has done this before and is currently in one now, I truly believe LDRs are workable. It’s most certainly not for everyone (yes, I’m looking at you, you codependent types!) and I wouldn’t recommend going out of your way to look for a partner who lives halfway across the world because that would make you a crazy person. But other than that, definitely doable or if I am being cautiously optimistic*, definitely doable thus far. You learn as you go along and hope for the best.

 

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Pros:

  • Getting to reinstate the art of writing letters and talking on the phone, particularly the latter because I derive great joy from the hand cramp and ear soreness that comes right after the end of a 90-minute phone conversation with my boyfriend… a feeling that is very different from when you’re on the phone on hold for the same length of time with your telco service provider when they’ve fucked up your bill.
  • If you’re both insanely independent people, it is fairly easy to live in separate parts of the world and do adult things like having cocktails with your friends or dining alone without feeling like you’re going to crumble to pieces in the absence of your partner… on most days anyway.
  • An LDR is the biggest lesson I could receive in effective communication – When you can’t physically be next to someone, you consciously fill the space between with words and feelings to bring you closer together. While it’s really nice to lounge around cuddled up watching your favourite shows on Netflix in silence, there is something truly comforting and intimate about having meaningful conversations with each other about the things that matter and perhaps even the things that don’t really matter.
  • The Countdown High – planning, anticipating and marking out the days until you see each other again next can almost always make even the darkest of days a little brighter.
  • According to science, absence makes the heart grow fonder and distance can cultivate fondness and a genuine lasting connection. Can’t argue with science, folks!
  • The connection is more than just physical – I am naturally a physical/ touchy-feely person but working on the emotional aspects of a relationship makes me feel so much more secure. Sure, love me for my body but love me more for me!

Cons:

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  • Pillows don’t cuddle back, neither do vibrators.
  • Bawling when you have to part ways, especially when the bawling happens in public spaces like the airport or on-board the plane.
  • Severe lack of date nights = Table for One, please? Oh never mind, I’ll just have it to-go!
  • Feeding people baked goods is one of the elaborate ways I show my love and affection but being miles away from your partner means you only get to send him styled Instagram shots of your chocolate tart with captions like “FUDGE you, distance!” or “I only have eyes pies for you, boo!“.
  • Missing out on the good and the bad – When either of you’ve had a terrible day or even an exceptional good one, and you can’t physically be there for hugs and high-fives respectively.
  • When the technology you’re so dependent on (and grateful for) royally fucks you over while you’re on a voice/video call with your partner just as you’re sharing a juicy piece of news with them. “Wait, I can’t hear you! What was that last bit? Hello? You’re breaking up!”
  • When you get invited to after dark social gatherings and are asked to bring your partner or a plus one but you end up going alone while your boyfriend is 6000 miles away asleep because daylight savings.
  • Expensive plane adventures. You want to fly over on holiday weekends but Zuji and Expedia are showing you exorbitant ticket prices. You could be frugal and purchase a budget plane ticket but you’re a spoiled brat who can’t sit in what feels like a sardine can for longer than 2 hours. Life is hard and cruel! #dramaqueen

mindy

***

*After my last long distance relationship failed, I didn’t think I could do the whole distance thing again. There was so much contempt, distrust and miscommunication over the 3-4 years – enough to take the wind out of my sails. But life works in funny little ways. Using food analogies (my favourite!) as an example, it’s like eating foie gras for the first time but it’s served to you in a pâté form which turns out, your taste buds are utterly repulsed by. Traumatised (and grossed out) by your first bad experience, you decide never to even look at goose liver again until one day, just out of the blue, it is offered to you on a beautiful plate, pan seared to perfection with a side of caramelized pears and drizzled with a balsamic reduction. And then suddenly, just like that, you’ve discovered a gastronomic wonder and your heart (and belly) fills with joy when you think about foie gras. I wrongfully blamed a lot of my past relationship’s failures on the distance when perhaps it was much more than just not being in the same space. And it’s liberating to be proven otherwise now with someone who makes you feel good. That said, as I am writing this, I can’t help but feel cautiously optimistic. It feels a tad uncomfortable talking about a relationship that is newish and currently going so well. There is an underlying sense of anxiety that it could all go so wrong but fear hasn’t stopped me before and it certainly wouldn’t stop me now.

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The Danger Zone aka The Friend Zone

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I’ve been meaning to address this for the longest time but life has gotten in the way of my – The Date Expectations – pursuits.

In the pilot season of F.R.I.E.N.D.S, (I know there appears to be a trend on quoting the series in quite a few of my posts) there is an episode where Ross is agonising over his secret love for Rachel, and Joey as a matter of fact informs him that he has sat on it for far too long and now it was nearly impossible to change this friendship to something romantic. His exact words were: Never gonna happen. You and Rachel. Because you waited too long to make your move and now, you’re in the friend zone…. Ross, you’re mayor of the zone.

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And so began the countless memes and popular culture references to this exact situation, where a friendship exists between two people, one of whom has unrequited romantic feelings for the other. Most of us have been there, either on the giving or receiving end of things. Some of you may deny this and conveniently erase this embarrassing memory from your otherwise perfect lives. But let’s not kid ourselves,  you too – Yes, you – have been there.

Just this year alone, I’ve met with friends and friends of friends who have discussed their dating experiences in detail with me, thanks to my pesky, nosy questions that I flagrantly pose at social events. And what was fascinating to me is how quite a few of them at some point in their lives, have had amorous interest in their friends or people in their immediate social circle, but held themselves back from acting on it because they felt like they had waited too long and had  found themselves in a situation where they’d been diabolically friend-zoned to a point of no return.

To write about this seemingly awful idea of the friend zone, you’d think that I have had ample experience in this danger zone but the truth is (and thankfully so), I can only think very few occasions where I’d been undeniably friend zoned. The first and most pivotal time, was in my teenage years where I mustered up the courage to befriend whom I thought was the cutest guy I’d ever met. We’d talk on the phone every night before we went to sleep and hung out every other day after school hours to enjoy 50 cent ice-cream cones from McDonalds’. It was only after 3 months that I found out that I was out of his league because he batted for the other team. He had developed a crush on a boy he had met and decided to tell me about it. I should have known from the way he perfectly styled his hair, the manner in which he wore his pants just a little too snugly and how he strutted down the streets. I should have seen the rainbow flag he was waving loudly and proudly. But when a man buys you ice-cream and your favourite gummi bear candy, and walks down the street with his arm around your shoulder, you get a little punch-drunk and disillusioned. In retrospect, it’s side-splitting and makes for an excellent story to recount at a party. But back when I actually realised we couldn’t be together, it left me dejected and pessimistic temporarily. The wonderful thing about your adolescent years is that most of us don’t remember things for long. You get hurt but you pick yourself up quickly and move on but in your adult years, the pain hits a little harder and you remember every detail the same way an elephant has steel-trap memories.

So to gather some qualitative data, I sent some friends (single and attached) a text message recently asking them to recount a time in their lives where they had either been friend-zoned or had consciously friend-zoned someone, and these are some of the replies I got:

“Being friend-zoned feels like you’re in purgatory. You think you’re fucking close to heaven but actually, you’re knee deep in hell.”

“If I have a feeling that he is pursuing me and I just wanna be friends, I’d make it a point to refer to him as ‘bro’ just to set the record straight without actively addressing the situation.”

“It’s like not getting the job you applied for even though you really wanted it and are definitely qualified for it. And the employer calls you up every day to sing praises about the person they did hire!”

“Coincidentally, I went out yesterday with a friend and got an almost confession. He was complimenting me and then suddenly said ‘I think if I had an ideal type of girlfriend, you come closest out of all the girls I’ve met.’ I sat there stunned and then went ‘haha thanks’. I guess he took my hint and just went on to talk about girls in general or something.”

“You go back and forth on whether you took too long to confess your feelings. You thought you were laying the foundation and making calculated moves but before you know it, she’s in the arms of some other guy, and telling you how she can’t wait for you to meet him.”

and because we all have that one smartass friend:

“Does it count if I haven’t told someone yet? I need to ring up Ryan Gosling tonight. I think it’s time he knew we can only be friends.”

A quick Google search will inform you that there are in fact books on the market that advise readers on how to get out of the friend zone if they’re in it. And for the non-book readers, there are tons of articles and listicles online on the topic. I trawled through the internet to find some answers but as we all know, the internet generally poses more questions than actually giving you any answers.

I’m not sure that we can forever avoid being in the friend zone. It is bound to happen at one or point or another. When you like someone or if you feel like you’re attracted to them, most of us try to get to know someone on a more platonic level to test the waters instead of diving nose deep into a sea of uncertainty. And besides, at risk of sounding naïve, don’t some of the best love stories stem from a solid, natural groundwork of friendship? From the superficial research that I’ve done prior to writing this entry, I realise a lot of self-help books immediately label men/women who try the friendship route as the ‘nice guys’ and how they need to snap out of it. There are so many articles that advise men particularly to stop playing the nice guy and get out there to claim what’s theirs. A little aggressive if you ask me! I mean I see their point. We all want to go out of our way to do nice things for the people we love. This is no different from it. That said, I understand the full value of self-preservation and not devaluing oneself. No one should make all the sacrifices and make unnecessary compromises at the risk of looking like a doormat but you feel what you feel so where do you draw the line?

Yet again, I have only questions and no answers. Dr Helen Fisher might have some insight on this so you could check in with her. But if I had to dole out some advice, it would be this. Firstly, you – yes you – who is harbouring super loveydovey feelings and spending every waking minute imagining who your offspring is going to take after, you or the love of your life who doesn’t know it yet – STAWP! Crack addicts need their crack but crack, I hear tastes a lot better when you’ve had some separation time so do just that. Peel yourself from how you feel and leave some breathing room for the friendship to possibly flourish to a relationship. And you – If you’re in a situation where you know someone has romantic feelings for you and you might feel the same, let them know instead of leashing them along on a wild ride. But if you don’t see the potential for something more, don’t be an asshole and sweep the matter under the rug thinking the matter would resolve itself. Address it! This person, this friend of yours has feelings and emotions just like you do and is capable of heartbreak and anxiety just like you are, so put them out of their misery and let them know you’d like to be friends. It’s not going to be pretty and it will most definitely be awkward for a while, because who wants to hear from the person they might be in love with that they just want to be buddies? – how awful! – but at least you’d have set the record straight from the very beginning and both parties are clear.  And who knows, you might end up being the best of friends and laughing about it at a Christmas party in years to come.

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xo

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On Open Relationships and Monogamy

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1950s TWO WOMEN KISSING SINGLE MAN ON OPPOSITE CHEEKS HIS FACE COVERED WITH LIPSTICK MARKS2015 is proving to be a year of firsts for me. A good chunk of these experiences have been conscious, deliberate choices, to step out of my comfort zone, put myself in possibly uncomfortable situations and see if I can wiggle my way either comfortably into them or out of them. One of the more recent decisions I had made was to go out with someone in an open relationship. That sounds ambiguous. To be clear, the man I chose to go out on a date with had very specifically indicated on his profile that he was presently in an open relationship. I scoffed as I looked at the status, the same way I do when I read profiles with grammatical/spelling errors. So what possessed me to agree to head out and have a meal with someone who already kinda sorta belongs to someone else in a no strings attached relationship? I don’t even know what the fuck an open relationship is. Can it really be called a relationship if you’re allowed to see other people? There is a largely conservative part of me that finds this whole idea tainting the sanctity of a relationship between two people.

People struggle with commitment, I get it. But I’ve always been a strong advocate for monogamy. I have so much love to give but I’d like to smother one person at a time with love and affection. So, what does it mean to date someone in an open relationship? In a nutshell and thus far, you’re a time-filler, or at least it feels a lot like it. Do I mind it? I’m not sure yet. But I will tell you that it feels extremely odd sitting in a movie theatre with someone who holds your hand tightly like you’re the only person that matters; however, you know this person is not quite yours. He is yours, for that day but he belongs to someone else on another day. Or perhaps he belongs to no one at all. People create the relationship that works for them. Sharing has never been my strong suit. I always tell people there are two things in life I never share – my cake and my lovers. So why would I intentionally walk down this misty road?

I’m going to narrow my decision down to curiosity. Since our paths crossed, I have had burning questions on how such an arrangement, such a partnership works. And turns out, it’s not all that complicated. Thanks to the Internet, I have learnt that there have been a number of theories on people and monogamy.

‘Just because you have chosen to be a vegetarian, doesn’t mean that bacon stops smelling good.’ – Christopher Ryan

Christopher Ryan, a PhD of psychology and co-author of the book Sex at Dawn argues that “human sexuality has essentially evolved, until agriculture, as a way of maintaining and establishing the complex social networks that our ancestors were very good at.” He is also quick to note he is saying ancestors were promiscuous, but is not saying they were having sex with strangers, because, “There were no strangers.” Essentially according to him, we are sexual omnivores and that we all have closets we have to come out of.

He believes that monogamy is not hardwired in either gender. In fact, he says that sexual exclusivity came to be much later, with monogamy in many societies becoming the ideal way to raising a family. This, according to him was especially reinforced in the prudish/ highly conservative Victorian era. Ryan notes that while monogamy has now become the correct and proper way of life in many societies today where women and men are conditioned to believe that being faithful is the natural way, when in fact, our primal urges are simply to be promiscuous.

Deepak Chopra has said as well that it all boils down to ‘social revolution’ – born from the family structure and subsequent need for stability and security with a partner. The issue however is that these values tend to contradict basic human needs: for thrill, variety and on a primal level – to just get it on.

According to the National Science Foundation, only 3 to 5% of mammals are monogamous. Studies have found that sexual monogamy also relies on hormones and receptors that the brain releases. Humans’ receptors vary from person-to-person resulting in some people leaning more towards polyamory than others.

Perhaps, I’m not evolved enough, and trapped by my own inhibitions and conservatism. Or maybe I’m just too damn selfish to share the person I love with someone else. But Ryan is right. Bacon doesn’t stop smelling good. But since I have made the personal decision to be vegetarian, I will always choose brussel sprouts over bacon.

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If Stanley Tucci Were Your Boyfriend

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tucci-866x1024If Stanley Tucci Were Your Boyfriend. Such a good piece by Mallory Ortberg.

If Stanley Tucci were your boyfriend, he would never bother you about the fact that you own two clearly well-worn copies of both The Devil Wears Prada and Julie and Julia. If he knew you were going to have a particularly hard day at work, he’d call out “Gird your loins” after you as you left the apartment, because he would know how much that would mean to you.

If Stanley Tucci were your boyfriend, your apartment would redecorate itself in only the finest and most luxurious of fabrics. The predominant colors would be Nantucket blue, slate grey, and the color of the sea before a storm.

If Stanley Tucci were your boyfriend, it would always be the second week of fall. The sun would never set before 8pm, but you would never sweat again.

If Stanley Tucci were your boyfriend, your relationship would be two-thirds what he and Patricia Clarkson had in Easy A, and one-third what he and Meryl Streep had in Julie and Julia.

If Stanley Tucci were your boyfriend, he would occasionally turn to you, smile warmly, and call you “Champ,” while wearing a scarf.

He would also call you “Sport.” You would find it endearing and waggish and not in the least patronizing.

If Stanley Tucci were your boyfriend, the two of you would go dancing, but he’d never make a big deal out of it.

If Stanley Tucci were your boyfriend, your dad would refer to him genially as “The Tooch.” “Come to the house this weekend, and bring The Tooch with you.”

If Stanley Tucci were your boyfriend, you would own a good cheese knife. Nothing pretentious. You wouldn’t need a whole set. Just one. But it would be perfect, and you would never have trouble sliding Camembert pieces off of it. You would be the kind of person who invests in small, good, useful things. You would treat yourself with compassion, and you would never eat Cheetos in the shower.

If Stanley Tucci were your boyfriend, he would make pots of red sauce on the weekends, and make you taste all of them. He wouldn’t Bogart the kitchen, either, and he’d be more than just complimentary about your own (inevitably inferior) attempts at cooking. “No, it was extraordinary,” he’d insist after cleaning his plate. “Just extraordinary.” And there would be a light in his eyes that would let you believe him.

If Stanley Tucci were your boyfriend, Nora Ephron would still be alive somehow. She would have dinner with the two of you at least three nights a week.

If Stanley Tucci were your boyfriend, every single one of your friends would act like the guys on Friendsdid while Monica was dating Richard. “Your boyfriend is the coolest,” they’d tell you. You’d have to ask them to go do something else once in a while so the two of you could actually get some time to yourselves. “I’m sorry about those guys,” you’d say to Stanley Tucci, while he’d look intently at you and say “Don’t ever apologize to me on behalf of the people who love you.”

If Stanley Tucci were your boyfriend, you would instantly become the kind of person who takes long, luxurious baths in a clean, bone-white tub.

If Stanley Tucci were your boyfriend, he would make excuses to run out and pick up a paper and buy you breakfast while he was out. “It’s nothing,” he’d say if you protested. “I don’t even remember how much it cost. I threw away the receipt. Stop asking.” If Stanley Tucci were your boyfriend, he would wear perfectly cut waffle-print shirts just while drinking coffee at your kitchen table, but your life together would be more meaningful than a collection of expensive fabrics and bougie breakfast foods. Your life together would be more meaningful than your life before.