With the advent of technology, Long Distance Relationships (LDR) are so much more common than people think. Even so, I’ve found myself many a time inadvertently defending LDRs and their legitimacy.

“No, don’t awwwww me. It’s really not a horrible situation to be in!”

“The relationship is still real!” 

“What do you mean how do we have sex? We can still be intimate!” (*while wondering* “WTF? Why am I even having to explain my sex life?!”)

“They can work and couples have time and time again proven that!”

“No, it doesn’t make it any harder to be faithful!”

While LDRs are not an ideal situation to be in, it’s no more or less stressful than maintaining a conventional relationship. It does come with its own set of problems and in the same breath, opportunities to get creative and conquer those very challenges. From someone who has done this before and is currently in one now, I truly believe LDRs are workable. It’s most certainly not for everyone (yes, I’m looking at you, you codependent types!) and I wouldn’t recommend going out of your way to look for a partner who lives halfway across the world because that would make you a crazy person. But other than that, definitely doable or if I am being cautiously optimistic*, definitely doable thus far. You learn as you go along and hope for the best.

 

Pros:

• Getting to reinstate the art of writing letters and talking on the phone, particularly the latter because I derive great joy from the hand cramp and ear soreness that comes right after the end of a 90-minute phone conversation with my boyfriend… a feeling that is very different from when you’re on the phone on hold for the same length of time with your telco service provider when they’ve fucked up your bill.

• If you’re both insanely independent people, it is fairly easy to live in separate parts of the world and do adult things like having cocktails with your friends or dining alone without feeling like you’re going to crumble to pieces in the absence of your partner… on most days anyway.

• An LDR is the biggest lesson I could receive in effective communication – When you can’t physically be next to someone, you consciously fill the space between with words and feelings to bring you closer together. While it’s really nice to lounge around cuddled up watching your favourite shows on Netflix in silence, there is something truly comforting and intimate about having meaningful conversations with each other about the things that matter and perhaps even the things that don’t really matter.

• The Countdown High – planning, anticipating and marking out the days until you see each other again next can almost always make even the darkest of days a little brighter.

• According to science, absence makes the heart grow fonder and distance can cultivate fondness and a genuine lasting connection. Can’t argue with science, folks!

• The connection is more than just physical – I am naturally a physical/ touchy-feely person but working on the emotional aspects of a relationship makes me feel so much more secure. Sure, love me for my body but love me more for me!

Cons:

• Pillows don’t cuddle back, neither do vibrators.

• Bawling when you have to part ways, especially when the bawling happens in public spaces like the airport or on-board the plane.

• Severe lack of date nights = Table for One, please? Oh never mind, I’ll just have it to-go!

• Feeding people baked goods is one of the elaborate ways I show my love and affection but being miles away from your partner means you only get to send him styled Instagram shots of your chocolate tart with captions like “FUDGE you, distance!” or “I only have eyes pies for you, boo!“.

• Missing out on the good and the bad – When either of you’ve had a terrible day or even an exceptional good one, and you can’t physically be there for hugs and high-fives respectively.

• When the technology you’re so dependent on (and grateful for) royally fucks you over while you’re on a voice/video call with your partner just as you’re sharing a juicy piece of news with them. “Wait, I can’t hear you! What was that last bit? Hello? You’re breaking up!”

• When you get invited to after dark social gatherings and are asked to bring your partner or a plus one but you end up going alone while your boyfriend is 6000 miles away asleep because daylight savings.

• Expensive plane adventures. You want to fly over on holiday weekends but Zuji and Expedia are showing you exorbitant ticket prices. You could be frugal and purchase a budget plane ticket but you’re a spoiled brat who can’t sit in what feels like a sardine can for longer than 2 hours. Life is hard and cruel! #dramaqueen

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*After my last long distance relationship failed, I didn’t think I could do the whole distance thing again. There was so much contempt, distrust and miscommunication over the 3-4 years – enough to take the wind out of my sails. But life works in funny little ways. Using food analogies (my favourite!) as an example, it’s like eating foie gras for the first time but it’s served to you in a pâté form which turns out, your taste buds are utterly repulsed by. Traumatised (and grossed out) by your first bad experience, you decide never to even look at goose liver again until one day, just out of the blue, it is offered to you on a beautiful plate, pan seared to perfection with a side of caramelized pears and drizzled with a balsamic reduction. And then suddenly, just like that, you’ve discovered a gastronomic wonder and your heart (and belly) fills with joy when you think about foie gras. I wrongfully blamed a lot of my past relationship’s failures on the distance when perhaps it was much more than just not being in the same space. And it’s liberating to be proven otherwise now with someone who makes you feel good. That said, as I am writing this, I can’t help but feel cautiously optimistic. It feels a tad uncomfortable talking about a relationship that is newish and currently going so well. There is an underlying sense of anxiety that it could all go so wrong but fear hasn’t stopped me before and it certainly wouldn’t stop me now.